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alice's adventures in wonderland, take 2
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[16 May 2009|01:09am] |
i am leaving this behind. this journal.
i'm creating a new blog.
i am so glad i deleted facebook, btw.
if anyone here wants the link to my blog, let me know your email address.
it's by invitation only.
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[26 Apr 2009|05:35pm] |
the word love should NOT be thrown around. i say it a lot, yes - but i don't hide behind it.
"you think everything's okay and it is 'til it's not."
my heart is for me. my heart is protected by my bear.
it doesn't take much anymore to get kicked out - but it's about time i held higher standards - even with people that i love.
that is all.
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[25 Apr 2009|04:58pm] |
crickets.
(and i do NOT mean NEKO CASE's trying-to-be-artsy-at-the-end-of-her-album-crickets)...
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| words |
[11 Mar 2009|11:37am] |
i read through a bunch of old journal entries from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) littlebluefairy last night. just the ones that are public...
it was quite interesting.
actually, reading through my journal entries is always interesting.
i feel disconnected from myself sometimes. i wonder why. or maybe i just don't process so much through words. i mean, i DO ... but i don't write like i used to.
maybe i am actually MORE connected. it feels foreign at times.
i am much more in the moment now. i am also a lot less concerned with what people think. all of this is a good thing, but sometimes i wonder how isolated i am.
it's contradictory, really. i am a social creature. yet, i spend much more time alone than anyone would ever know. it's not that i don't let people know me... i am just a lot more selective and don't care as much if people Understand.
that is a freeing statement.
i am more happy driving and finding my self in the music and wind than trying to find it at a bar or within another person. it actually allows me to Understand even more... and i don't need any validation.
funny.
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[18 Feb 2009|05:09pm] |
last night, i met up with my friend sherri who i was in eating disorder treatment with 3 years ago. she was visiting florida and i drove to jax to see her - the first time since we said our goodbyes after being discharged.
we went out to dinner together which was profound.
we were eating in a RESTAURANT - not a hospital. no one was watching us but our own wills to live.
i am so grateful and proud of sherri and of myself to be where i am now as opposed to then...
to realize that none of this has been in vain. it is Never in vain - even when we fall.
we try to find the balance in what it means to truly live even when we fall. we get back up.
when we left ridgeview, our house mother, elinour (AKA mama from Chigaco) said that only 2 to 3 out of 25 truly recover.
i feel inspired each day even if i don't always do it right. i know that no matter what i choose to do each day, i will forever strive to be one of those few.
it was encouraging to know that out of the many girls i was in treatment with, i am not alone.
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[29 Jul 2008|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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i feel good. i feel balanced. i feel a lot of things. ahhh. life is filled with surprises. i am grateful that i've stuck it out time and time again to see what the road of experience holds for me.
i feel so strange in the manor of not writing about 'what is going on inside' right now. i guess it is because i am so present, connected and in the moment.
i don't need to THINK so much.
right before i went on vacation i was so incredibly conflicted by my thoughts. i don't feel this way now. i needed that time to hibernate and soul-seek in order to explode (although i will admit, i was a bit insane. if i believed in diagnoses, i'd say i was extremely manic. and most of the time i am hypo-manic).
but whatever.
balance is good.
life is real.
i am here.
right fucking HERE. i haven't been able to say that in a really long time. but it's lasted for over a month - and i know it's real. no need to pick it apart. i am at the end of Saturn.
not much more to say because things are what they are - right here, right now.
i have a lot of things up in the air right now but i am not worried about them. i know my soul. and that is enough. life will be the way it is and i will appreciate all that i have. always.
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[24 Jul 2008|07:13am] |
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mood |
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good |
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i'm back. i love my new job. my vacation was great. i'm doing pretty well...
more soon.
here's a photo!
i haven't updated in forever - but honestly, i think it's a good thing that i'm not so in my head. :) my vacation was exactly what i needed in ways of balancing my figurative scales.
i plan on staying here.
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[12 Jul 2008|10:53am] |
i can not help but believe in the supernatural. i am freaking out. i've known that something has been happening lately even before it occurred.
i knew it that night i was driving home from my parents house. i felt it. all those deer on the side of the road. the reconnection with my brother. EVERYTHING. shifting.
i thought it was just my brain - but i don't believe that now. i don't. i never do. i always know it's something MORE. i know that what i go through has little to do with this world. i KNOW that.
little things keep happening that show me i am where i am supposed to be. little things that have CRAZY meaning.
i'm leaving for philly on thursday.
traci and i talked loosely about this when we went to see the cure last month - and i decided to just buy a ticket and do it. she'll go see her friend ang, i'll go see josie. perfect.
we talked about getting our friends together one night and introducing them. it sounded like a good time.
i wasn't sure if i'd even have a JOB when i came back (due to my last temp job ending) but i bought my ticket anyway.
i felt that it was right; even though i was in the darkness and not very excited about anything.
and NOW.
this morning.
a moment ago.
josie texted me and it says:
"so. how crazy is this... the girl you are coming to philly with is coming to see and stay with ang, my friend and co worker! ha. small world!"
EVERYTHING in my life is freaking me out lately.
the synchronicity is out of control. the energy is intense.
it's not just about the text from josie. it's everything. it's barnes and noble. it's my writing. it's stephanie. and that's a whole other intense occurrence that i am not even ready to fully write about because of how intense it is. (monchhichi, i know you get this).
i feel connected to everything.
kim would say that is because i'm right where i need to be. oh my god! and kim is in PHILLY! i need to call her.
i've never felt this PRESENT and where i am supposed to be before. it's extremely intense and feels supernatural.
truly. it does. it IS.
there is so much more to this... people, places and things are coming together.
i feel out of orbit and i'm sitting right here.
i think i'm going to finally go to the psychic.
traci and rhiannon (especially) have been telling me to go for months and i have stood my ground and said no. that i'd go when the time is right - that i'd know.
i think the time is now. maybe i'll do this monday. oh. my. god.
ETA: traci called me and i started jumping all around. i am intoxicated by life right now. we are going to the psychic monday night. ahhhh.
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[11 Jul 2008|11:40pm] |
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my world is spinning. yet it's going to stand still. i feel it. soon.
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[22 Oct 2007|03:06pm] |
i had to put my kitty to sleep this morning. i spent all night in the emergency vet clinic and then this morning took her to the vet and they put her to sleep. these people were so compassionate. they didn't charge me anything. she had a huge mass (tumor) in her belly.
i feel horrible. i'm trying to not feel guilty about it. i mean, i know it's not my fault... but i keep thinking about all the shit i've been going through in my head/emotionally - and now my sweet zoe is not here. and i was in daytona this weekend and she was all alone in my apartment. i didn't even know she was sick!
the vet said it happens - that cats will just go and go and then one day they are dying.
those words sobered me in so many ways.
i went into work and started crying. i've been crying off and on all day.
it's funny because i don't even care or remember all of that other stuff that was going on yesterday/this weekend.
i am a bit numb right now. i'm sitting outside at 2nd street bakery (coffee shop) smoking and drinking java. my friend kristen went with me last night - and also just stopped by here for a minute. i may go and meet traci tonight. i just don't know.
it was just weird to go back into my apartment this morning and see her food bowl and litter box and the cat hair on the couch where she always shed.
ah.
that's all.
i ate a bagel today - which was good - and i know i need to eat more later. i know i need to get my self back together. i know i've been so lost.
i feel like there is nothing more to lose. i mean, really. seriously. when the vet said the whole thing about cats going on like nothing is the matter and then suddenly they are dying - i just thought about my eating disorder in a whole new way. it scared me.
i go from being numb to bawling my eyes out.
i think that i've cried more in the past weekend/today than i have all year.
i am okay. i'm hanging in there. i feel sad and numb, but real.
i'm not sure what my next move is. i guess i don't need to know. i'm in the moment. i'm outside. and i don't plan on going anywhere for a while.
i haven't slept and i know i need to - and i can't miss any more work - but for right now, i just need to be right here.
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